So the first marriage didn’t work out…it doesn’t mean the end. You can look at it positively as a new beginning rather than an ending. Now you have a new beginning in life on a new path that hopefully doesn’t repeat what you just left. That’s the topic for someone far more qualified than me to help you with the psychological part of this situation.
What I do know is that when you find the next “Mr. or Mrs. Right,” there are some things you should take into consideration before (and after) you say “I Do.” The number one issue with blended families isn’t that the kids don’t get along or that there are different relationships to get used to…it’s MONEY. The financial issues are without a doubt one of the most difficult issues a blended family has to deal with as they start anew together.
When you marry, you’re entering a partnership that is emotional and financial. When you marry again and when there are children from prior marriages, you are all entering a whole new world. The number one reason that stepparents and stepchildren fight is over money, according to the article, “Don’t Split Heirs With Your Estate,” from AARP.
If you and your spouse are each financially independent and leave your assets to your own heirs, you’ll be less likely to run into the big money issues. However, if one spouse depends on the other for support, assets will be needed for the other spouse’s lifetime. Plans need to be discussed before the marriage so everyone involved is on the same page and understands what this really means. For example, if one spouse is financially set and has a certain lifestyle based on this and now they “blend” with a family that is less financially established, both lifestyles will most likely have to change. This can be hard on the family members and create its own set of issues aside from everything else.
When there’s a big age difference, the children of the older spouse may end up waiting 10 to 15 years for their inheritance. This can also represent additional issues when it comes to the allocation of assets in an estate plan. The older children are more established in who they are and what they may be doing for their future where the younger children are still an unknown. Planning needs to be done so that it takes into account all of these characteristics into account so everyone is taken care of by the plan.
As a base level rule of thumb, the couple’s first responsibility should be to their spouses. This should be spelled out through their will, or a prenuptial, or a postnuptial agreement. The goal is to make sure that the other spouse has enough money to live on as a starting point. A key point to remember is that the surviving spouse does have the right to make a claim to a certain amount of the late spouse’s assets, in the absence of a will or a proper prenup. However, by taking care of this in the will or trust you can spare each other and your blended family from the time and delay that a claim will take. The award may be large or small depending upon the laws in your state.
One way to head off some of the anger that may follow a first spouse’s death in a second or subsequent marriage is to distribute at least a little bit of cash to all of the adult children in equal amounts. It’s not as much about the amount as it is sending a signal that you are aware of them and their needs.
In blended families with good relationships, it would be ideal for children and stepchildren to be treated equally. If there’s a rational reason not to, such as younger children who need college education funds, this should be made clear to everyone so they fully understand the thoughts and decisions that were made to support the distribution.
The other area of potential conflict is “personal property.” Whether or not there are family heirlooms of great value there is almost always disagreement over who gets what. And the more children that are in the blended family the more this can get heated up. If first-family heirlooms are claimed by second-family children, the whole family could be headed to court. It is important to talk through this early in the process with your children and share with them your decisions and why you made those decisions. The key to all of this conflict is communication. The more the better so everyone understands why these are your wishes.
Finally, if you decide to leave everything to your spouse, there’s no way to be sure your own children will inherit anything. There is a chance that after your death, the ties between children and stepparents could weaken. You may want to leave some separate money for your children in a trust and provide specific income to the spouse for life.
As you can see, there are many areas of potential conflict that should be addressed ahead of time when you have a blended family. I recommend you meet with your Estate Planning attorney before you get married and after you get married to work through all of these issues. Understanding your children’s wishes in advance can also be helpful for the process. Your attorney should be able to map all this out for you to make it much easier for everyone.